Inspiring Conversations with Samar Poorlakani of Austin Intimate Matters

Today we’d like to introduce you to Samar Poorlakani.

Hi Samar, so excited to have you on the platform. So before we get into questions about your work-life, maybe you can bring our readers up to speed on your story and how you got to where you are today?
hoo-boy, where do I begin?

I was born and raised in Austin, Texas to two Persian immigrants. Cheesy intro line aside, it is definitely part of how I got here today.

While I am a native, English is my second language. My parents wanted me to be fluent in Farsi, so I did not start learning English until they enrolled me in kindergarten — at a school that did not have an ESL program at the time, mind you. (This would also explain the Americanized version of my name… my name, Samar, is impossible to pronounce if you do not speak Farsi. My teacher decided to nickname me “Summer,” and while I never changed the spelling, I have been “Summer” as long as I can remember.)

Needless to say, I was a very quiet and awkward child growing up. As an adult, awkward is my authentic—and I embrace it.

So, how does a socially anxious and awkward weirdo “grow up” to become a sex-positive therapist who spends her days talking about kink and non-monogamy?

It all started with abstinence-only education. (No, I am serious. Bear with me.)

I am sure it is no surprise that my Texas public school education had an abstinence-only curriculum. Considering my limited-to-damn-near-nonexistent Internet access at home, and the very real fact that my Persian, Muslim parents were the last two people I would ever ask, I turned to Planned Parenthood for guidance. When I was ready to start exploring sex and my sexuality, this Persian Hermione Granger needed to get all the info she could get her hands on about safer sex practices.

By the time I was 18, I combined my appreciation for the science of sex with Psychology. I simply knew I wanted to become a sex therapist. However, it was not until my mid-to-late 20’s that I learned more about my identity, desires, and lifestyle… but more on that in a bit.

Believe it or not, I was introduced to BDSM in high school. (Imagine 17-year old Samar clutching her imaginary pearls when her boyfriend showed her the kinky porn he liked to watch.) It was something I dabbled in with my partner at the time, but never took seriously until my mid-20’s. Three days after my 20th birthday, I met the man who would then become my husband and partner of 10 years. Monogamy was all I knew, and monogamous we were until five years into our relationship.

I spent most of my 20’s juggling both full-time school and work. I received my Bachelor’s in Psychology and my Master’s in Counseling. After taking my licensing exam and starting to chip away at my 3000 supervised hours, my supervisor suggested I pick a niche. I decided on kink and non-monogamy—and my life, as I knew it, completely changed after that.

I had never heard of anything more-than-monogamous until I came upon (BedPost Confessions’ co-founder) Sadie Smythe’s blog about open marriage back in 2009. It was my go-to blog for late-night reading when I could not sleep or wanted to procrastinate on a paper. A few years into our marriage, though, I found the courage to bring up my desire to explore non-monogamy, and did… for a few years. Eventually, I caught feelings for a friend (with benefits), and it hit me – I was, in fact, polyamorous.

My life had become a whirlwind of exploration and I was evolving in more ways than I could keep up with.

Fun fact: I discovered I was kinky and polyamorous before I realized I was queer. During supervision in 2016, after the Pulse shooting, my colleague asked me how I was processing the recent events being that I was “brown and queer.” My response was, “who and what now?” Shortly after I realized they were right, I decided it was time to come out — both in my personal and professional life. Everything was on the fast track after that. However, life as I knew it, did a 180 shortly after.

After what I would describe as the most jarring year of my life in 2017, I was able to hit the “reset” button, and took the time and space to deep-dive into self-reflection and therapy. I dissected my life in every way possible. I started questioning cultural and societal “norms” and the “rules” we have been told we needed to abide by our whole lives. I was a therapist who helped other people on their own self-love journey… but never really asked myself the same questions. I found myself seeking my own radical truth, and in that, I truly discovered what my authentic self looked like.

…and then I befriended her. That is to say, I have been in a committed relationship–yes, with myself–ever since. 🙂

From that moment on, I feel like I have really had the opportunity and privilege to blossom into the person I am today. That person is:

I love challenging and setting boundaries, questioning societal norms, and finding growth through discomfort—and helping clients do the same. I believe in story-telling for personal healing (which is why I consider BedPost Confessions to be my church), and find that being vulnerable can encourage others on their own journey.

I am passionate about dismantling the systems of oppression that bring harm to marginalized people, and hope that we are able to find more community and empathy for each other as we all heal. I want to support folx in their attempts to decolonize their minds, and reminding them that they are worthy just the way they are. Gently encouraging people to stay curious and to have compassion for each other, while also taking care of our Mother Earth and everything it homes.

I’m sure you wouldn’t say it’s been obstacle free, but so far would you say the journey has been a fairly smooth road?
Anything but smooth, to be honest! Everyone has some #MuggleStruggle—that is just part of life!—but I have spent half of my life trying to stay awake and as present as possible… while trying to understand numerous complex and unpredictable chronic illnesses.

My (now ex) husband witnessed me struggling all throughout my academic career and most of my licensure hours. I thought it was “normal” to feel like a zombie — chalking it up to my hectic schedule and inability to pause. I never felt well rested, and it was not until I heard someone describing themselves as refreshed after “sleeping in on the weekend” that I realized I did not fully comprehend what that felt like. I knew something had to be wrong after spending more than 12+ years feeling like the walking dead. Unfortunately it took years (and numerous doctors) to finally receive an official diagnosis… I have Narcolepsy with Cataplexy.

Narcolepsy is not just a sleep disorder; it is a neurological disorder. The cognitive side effects (ie: brain fog, memory loss, issues with memory retention, difficulty concentrating, etc) that come with never getting restorative sleep are truly profound.

Have you ever been awake 48-72 hours without any naps or stimulants? That is my baseline, and how I feel on my best day. It is similar to having your alarm go off 20 times during 8 hours of sleep. It is not restorative, and in my case, it is forever the reality of my life.

Narcolepsy has two types—with and without Cataplexy. Cataplexy is the loss of muscle control triggered by intense emotions. It can present a variety of ways—and in my case, it is always in my limbs… be it momentary weakness, or temporary paralysis, and/or numbness. My Cataplexy was unknowingly controlled by medications I was on for my diagnosis of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and it was startling (to put it gently) to discover that once I got off those medications.

It did not become a bigger issue until after I had surgery in December 2018—which is when I had my tubes removed. (Yes, I decided to embrace my childfree lifestyle by getting sterilized.) However, two things happened then: 1) I discovered I had uterine fibroids which explained a lot of pain I was experiencing, and 2) I realized, the hard way, that I did *not* respond to any of the pain medications I was sent home with.

Having major surgery and then recovering without any medications traumatized my body. I lost a scary amount of weight in under two weeks, and could not gain it back no matter how hard I tried—even after seeking help from professionals. I was battling persistent nausea and chronic pain on a daily basis, all the while also losing hair, struggling with arthritis, Raynaud’s Syndrome, and feeling very fatigued and weak with no real relief. Everything was overwhelming, and that—in turn—would regularly trigger my Cataplexy. I started walking with a cane (as needed), and started using a disabled parking permit—which always seems to turn heads when you suffer from an invisible illness. (Which can add imposter syndrome and self-gaslighting to the list of things to manage.)

I spent a lot of 2019 indoors, and had no choice but to focus on my health. It took 4 months to feel remotely recovered from my first surgery when it was only supposed to take two weeks. Unfortunately, I knew I had to have a second surgery to remove the newly discovered fibroids. I tried to put it off as long as I could, but by that summer the fibroids were so large that they started pushing on my ureter and bowels, and I was having a hard time functioning. (I discovered this the hard way at my first Burning Man that year.)

I came home from the burn and immediately scheduled my second surgery which I had in November 2019. I took a DNA test to better understand which medications I could metabolize normally in an attempt to give myself a smoother recovery. I was told this one would take 4-6 weeks to recover, as it was more invasive, but it took me closer to 2-3 months. They removed four fibroids, including one that was the size of a peach. (A PEACH!)

As I was finally feeling recovered enough to venture out back into the world… Covid happened. My Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (a lot of “Pure O,” and I struggle with contamination OCD and agoraphobia as well) had me panicking and self-isolating long before it became a pandemic. I spent 90-95% of my year in solitary confinement, as I am immunocompromised and could not risk being around others.

In that time, I decided to focus on my declining health, not understanding why I did not feel better, yet. At the beginning of 2021, I got my answer. I was diagnosed with Lupus and Fibromyalgia. I found relief in getting some answers, but still feel overwhelmed and, oftentimes, at a complete loss at the laundry list of chronic health problems I have.

This brings us to the present day where I continue to battle persistent nausea, chronic pain, and brain fog on a daily basis. (Oh, living in Texas definitely doesn’t help as my flare-ups are easily triggered by the sun and heat.)

My favourite way to summarize my health is (a TLDR, if you will):

Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, I feel like Tigger. Physically, I feel like Eeyore.

Unfortunately, I am not sure there is much I can do about that, either. I use the Spoon Theory to describe where I am at energy-wise at any given hour, and that has helped me communicate my needs to my support system. Managing my health has become a full-time job all on its own, and has been a huge part of my struggles along the way.

As you know, we’re big fans of Austin Intimate Matters. For our readers who might not be as familiar, what can you tell them about the brand?
Ah, thank you. Austin Intimate Matters is my solo practice where I work with individuals, couples, and families of all configurations. My goal as a sex-positive psychotherapist is to create and hold space for folx who want to explore what it means to be their most radically authentic self, and how to embrace self-love unapologetically.

Now, what does it mean to be sex-positive? There are many definitions. To me, it is embracing sexuality with an emphasis on consent and safer sex practices. Sex is still very much considered a “taboo” topic, and I like to question the expectations and norms we have been conditioned all our lives to believe. My intention is to help clients take the shame and stigma out of their narratives (and bedrooms), and help them find the space to appreciate how sex, our sexual identities, and sexual behaviors can be discussed openly and safely.

Outside of exploring “alternative” sexual lifestyles, I also have experience helping people with concerns around their sexual health, repairing trust after betrayal, restoring and enhancing intimacy, and navigating communication in interpersonal relationships.

I spent 2.5 years hosting sex trivia, as sex education is still a big passion of mine. Adam Maurer (of Moontower Counseling) asked me to co-host, first as an ice-breaker during continuing education lectures for a national non-profit. Then, in June 2017, it was brought to the public and I had the pleasure of hosting “Trivia After Dark” (also previously known as “Not Yo Mama’s Game Night”) every month at Barrel O’ Fun, located within the Mueller Alamo Drafthouse. It was all the sex education your gym teacher forgot to mention, and it was a great combination of two of my favourite past-times: laughing and learning!

With my deep love and appreciation for story-telling for personal healing, I co-host a podcast with my best friend of 17+ years called “Your Radical Being.” As I mentioned previously, I also found “church” at BedPost Confessions — and today I have the honor of being on their Community Advisory Board.

At the end of the day, I believe my purpose is to help others embrace radical authenticity, vulnerability, and self-love.

Is there anyone you’d like to thank or give credit to?
I would like to start by thanking Samar—yes, I mean me!

I have and continue to put in the work, and I am proud as heck.

I would not be here without the support system I have had, though. I have so much gratitude for my family, ex-husband, best friends, former supervisor, fellow colleagues, friends, and community. I appreciate the team of medical and mental health professionals that I lean on to help me show up as my best self on any given day. The amount of people that have seen me and held space for me is too long of a list for me to share, which only proves how lucky and privileged I feel, and truly am.

Contact Info:

• Website: austinintimatematters.com
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/intimatematters/
• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/austinintimatematters
• Twitter: https://twitter.com/austinintimate
• Other: https://linktr.ee/your.radical.being, https://bedpostconfessions.com

Image Credits:
Headshots are by Leah Muse Photography (leahmusephotography.com).