Today we’d like to introduce you to Harris O’Malley.
Hi Harris, can you start by introducing yourself? We’d love to learn more about how you got to where you are today?
I honestly never expected that I’d end up where I am today. I stumbled backwards into my career in the most roundabout fashion possible.
Like most of my readers and clients, I grew up convinced that I was hopeless when it came to meeting women, dating and relationships. I was painfully awkward and out of step with the cool and popular kids, I had no idea how to talk to anyone I was attracted to or even how to handle a serious relationship.
After years of struggling with dating and one toxic relationship in college, I reached a breaking point. After a particularly demoralizing time at a wedding, I did what many good nerds did in the mid-00’s when confronted with a problem: I went to the Internet and Googled “how to get good with girls”.
This first lead me to Neil Strauss’ “The Game” and then to the Pick-Up Artist community. At the time, this was a revelation to me; the idea that success with dating and attraction was a skill rather than something inherent blew my mind. I had been convinced that being skilled at meeting women was a binary condition: either you had “it” or you didn’t, and admitting that you didn’t was profoundly shameful. Trying to DO something about it was worse.
I spent several years in the PUA scene and, while I learned a lot, I found that it was doing me more harm than good. It all came to a head one night when I was leaving a bar on 6th Street and go home with someone I’d met that night. As we were walking out, I realized that I was already planning how I was going to make my exit and not have to talk to her later. This was what toppled the first domino. In rapid succession, I realized that I didn’t like most of the people I was hooking up with, I didn’t like the bars and clubs where I was spending all of my time, I hadn’t talked to any of my friends who weren’t in the scene for a long time and when I did, I was a toxic and manipulative jerk.
I ended up having to make my excuses to the woman I was leaving with — I think I told her I was having a nervous breakdown — and went home to have a long, dark night of the soul. I didn’t like who I’d become as part of the PUA scene, but I DID like the success I’d started having. So, I wondered: was it possible to have similar levels of success without the toxic and manipulative parts of what I’d learned?
For the next several months, I went on a research binge as I tried to read up as much as I could on male and female sexuality, social dynamics, interpersonal relationships, building connections with people, networking and more. I wanted to know how much of what I’d been taught was accurate and how much of it was made up and — importantly — if there was a path to being better with women that was mutual, more respectful and more in line with my values and my authentic self.
While this was going on, I was part of a pop-culture podcast called “The League of Extremely Ordinary Gentlemen”. Since Scott Pilgrim vs. The World was being released in theaters soon, we decided to do an episode we called “The League Vs. Our Evil Exes”, where we talked about our relationships and answered listeners’ dating questions. As the resident man-about-town on the podcast, I took point on the questions.
The episode was such a success that we decided to do another episode around Valentine’s Day. This time, we received so many questions we couldn’t answer them all. Since I felt bad for folks who got left out, I took the ones we didn’t get to, answered them on the podcast’s forum and assumed that this was going to be the end of things.
Except then, people sent in more questions. And more questions after that.
Soon, I realized that I was so enjoying answering these questions and helping people with their dating dilemmas that I needed to do something with it.
I quickly put together a website, bought a domain, told people that I would be answering my questions over at the new blog and hung out my metaphorical shingle.
And so Paging Dr. NerdLove was born.
I’m sure you wouldn’t say it’s been obstacle free, but so far would you say the journey have been a fairly smooth road?
It was smooth in some ways and a struggle in others. I was carving out a space in a relatively unexplored niche, and without a playbook to look to or role models to follow, I was effectively fumbling around in the dark. Because there wasn’t a reliable way of knowing what I didn’t know, a lot of my career was a kludge of different approaches and systems that I duct-taped together. It was also a matter of personal growth; I was unlearning much of what I’d absorbed while trying to help others avoid the mistakes that I’d made. Some aspects were obvious, but there were other concepts that I had no idea were troublesome until I’d learned more and read more about interpersonal relationships from some incredible writers and scholars across the gender and sexuality spectrum.
One of the mistakes I made early on was taking on too many projects and setting a pace that I couldn’t keep up with. A lot of my first couple years involved trying to find my feet and produce content at a rate that satisfied my readers but I could maintain without burning myself out.
Another struggle — one I admittedly still wrestle with — is Superman syndrome, where I feel like I need to do everything myself. Many times this has meant trying to basically jump off the cliff and learn how to fly on the way down. It took time to step back, delegate some of the work and trust others to get things done.
But one of the biggest struggles has been keeping up with a rapidly changing world. As someone who produces content for the Internet, reaching my readers where they live can be a challenge as platforms change, algorithms affect what people see and publishers shift focus from print to video to podcasts and back. Sometimes it can feel like you’re running as fast as you can in order to stay in one place.
But just between you, me and everyone reading this? I love it. There’re days when things can be so frustrating you want to tear your hair out, but every day is a new and different challenge. My path may not be typical, but it is definitely never boring.
As you know, we’re big fans of Paging Dr. NerdLove. For our readers who might not be as familiar what can you tell them about the brand?
I’m a relationship advice columnist and dating coach. My job is to teach people — especially young, geeky men — the skills and mindset they need in order to build the relationships they’ve always wanted and the lives they’ve always dreamed about.
I have a syndicated column called “Paging Dr. NerdLove” where I answer readers’ dating and relationship questions, as well as teaching important skills for relationships and personal development. I’ve also written a number of books on dating, run classes and workshops and offer one-on-one coaching for folks who want to work on improving their love lives and social skills.
Much of what I do involves breaking down self-limiting beliefs, such as that women only like certain kinds of men, that men have to act a particular way or need to have X, Y and Z attributes to be successful in relationships and changing how men relate to themselves, to women and to other men. I especially focus on helping men get away from toxic, restrictive and limited ideas about masculinity and help them develop richer and more fulfilling lives that are in alignment with their authentic selves.
What do you like best about our city? What do you like least?
I’m a classic Austin transplant story: I visited here and fell in love so hard that I pulled up stakes and moved immediately. I love how vibrant, colorful and friendly Austin is; its long history of music, film and art breathes life and creative energy into every corner. Moving here in the early 00s felt like coming home. I only wish I’d gotten here earlier so I could experience the Austin that so many of my friends knew.
What I dislike is how the tone of the city has changed over the years in ways that’ve changed its character. I know the joke is that the best time in Austin is right after you moved here and that it’s been downhill ever since, but gentrification has erased or pushed out so much of what gives Austin its unique personality. So many incredible little independent stores and restaurants priced out by rising rents, people who’ve been pushed out of the city by skyrocketing housing prices and neighborhoods whose character has been leached away and replaced by cookie-cutter developments… it’s honestly heartbreaking, sometimes.
Contact Info:
- Email: homalley@doctornerdlove.com
- Website: www.doctornerdlove.com
- Instagram: instagram.com/drnerdlove
- Facebook: facebook.com/DrNerdLove
- Twitter: twitter.com/DrNerdLove
- Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/user/DrNerdLove
