Today we’d like to introduce you to Sunshine Grace
Hi Sunshine, we’re thrilled to have a chance to learn your story today. So, before we get into specifics, maybe you can briefly walk us through how you got to where you are today?
I’m thrilled to share the story behind my journey to becoming a mental health advocate and spiritual medium. The mission of Betting On Love! is “to speak candidly about the intersection of mental health and spirituality.” This work stems from deeply personal roots, so I truly appreciate your mission to create spaces for storytelling, as stories are a powerful fabric of our lives and one web that connects us all. In my first interview last September, I shared a little about my spiritual awakening, which began with hearing a voice. While the journey was challenging, I now identify as a spiritual medium. I call the voice I hear “Spirit,” and Spirit communicates with me regularly through dreams, meditation, and psychedelic work. Conversations with Spirit feel natural, like talking with a friend, but the insights are very profound, beyond what I could come up with on my own. And these insights fall into four categories of “teachings”: meditation techniques, personal (how to love ourselves and take care of our bodies), interpersonal (how to be loving in relationships while speaking our truth), and existential (the nature of reality). I have shared some of my story on my YouTube channel (@Sunshine_Grace), as well as The Mindful Empath and The Mission After podcasts. So today, I appreciate the opportunity to dive deeper into my life before becoming a medium, and how that lead to me doing advocacy work to help normalize voice-hearing and mystical experiences.
RESILIENT ROOTS & LOSS: I was born in Sheridan, Montana, in 1976 to parents who embraced the Jesus movement as their first declaration of sovereignty. They were very different people with different values, but had resilience, creativity, and a love for life in common. As a small child, my first dream was to become a ballerina; dance has always felt like a natural outwardly expression of my inner joy and freedom. My second dream was to become a teacher. I’ve always found great fulfillment in helping others build confidence, simplifying information, and reflecting others’ strengths. I experienced my life’s first tragedy when my father, who I was very close to, died in a car accident on the weekend we were celebrating my 6th birthday. I couldn’t process the shock of him being gone forever, and the loss left me with a profound feeling of not belonging here on Earth, and wanting to go with him. His death both taught me to cherish life and those I loved, but also gave me profound death anxiety—something that persisted until age 46, when I began opening spiritually. Not surprisingly, my siblings and I forged deep bonds after our dad died, and would become each other’s identity for years to come. In the absence of my father and a sense of deep loneliness, I instinctually sought out wholesome human connection with safe adults, like caring teachers and attentive parents of friends. As a sensitive child, I had a sharp intuition for safety, particularly attuned to anger and violence. Two very special people, my grandfather Frank, and Vickie, a motherly babysitter, were pivotal in my sense of feeling loved and seen. They encouraged my curiosity and inspired me to excel academically, fostering an identity of “bright achiever” in me, which would become a sanctuary.
MY CHILDHOOD: NAVIGATING MIXED EMOTIONS Growing up, my home felt cold and dangerous, leaving me feeling ashamed about my family’s lack of normalcy, as compared to the warm, life-filled homes of my friends. Expressing dreams of college, financial security, or traveling the world also felt risky, as many around me were grappling with unmet emotional needs and insecurity. To survive, I learned to “dim my light”; I thought that if I was less gifted, I could be accepted. We moved a lot, and in elementary school, my peers saw me as shy but intelligent, so I became a target for bullying. While I earned affection and recognition from teachers, this isolated me from children my age, deepening my sense of separateness. Poverty compounded this, as we often lacked money for food or new clothes, leaving even deeper scars of shame for being different. Being praised for my achievements while my siblings lacked the resources to thrive, I also struggled with a lot of survivor’s guilt, which also continued in to my 40s when I began healing. To cope with all of this shame and loneliness, I focused on academics, believing a college scholarship could be the ticket out—to a life that would lead to loving relationships and safe environments where I could express myself and feel valued. Ultimately, it was these push-and-pull emotions and my deep need to feel connected and seen that fueled a quiet patience to change my life. Amidst heartbreak and determination, a small voice within urged, “Keep going…your dream of safety and love is possible.” And while my life would eventually take on the trajectory that I was willing to work for, and my siblings and mom followed their own unique paths, I carried them close in my heart as our choices led us to grow and evolve in very different ways.
TEENAGE YEARS & EARLY ADULTHOOD: CLIMBING OUT OF HOMELESSNESS At age 17, I graduated high school a year early, eager to start college—but then life took “a sharp right turn”. Unexpectedly kicked out of my mom’s house, I found myself homeless, living out of my car. Consumed by shame over my dysfunctional home life, and too embarrassed to ask for help, my college dreams vanished. Homelessness brought constant fear for my safety, deteriorating health, and a crushing sense of invisibility due to classism. Imposter syndrome triggered panic attacks that left emotional scars I wouldn’t address until my mid-40s. So for four years, I worked multiple jobs and couch surfed. A brief stay with a relative ended when their boyfriend sexually harassed me, forcing me to find shelter again. Slowly though, I rebuilt my life. And at 21, while working three jobs, I finally was able to start taking classes at a local community college. Thankfully, rising out of the ashes from homelessness gave me an invaluable gift: the knowing that I could survive and rebuild, no matter what. Losing everything—possessions, identity, and security—and then finding my way back, forged a deep confidence and inner self-sufficiency. This post-traumatic growth and inner of “strong survivor” became another foundation of my identity, and empowered me in the years ahead to take risks that I would have never taken otherwise.
ANOTHER HARD RIGHT TURN A few semesters into taking college, life threw another curveball—I got into a minor car accident, but my truck was totaled. I had let my insurance lapse while juggling work and trying to pay for classes, and without insurance, I couldn’t afford the down payment for another vehicle. It felt like everything I’d worked for in the past four years had been wiped out. Overwhelmed and uncertain, I relied on my hard-earned confidence to make strong decisions: I knew that the military would give me the Montgomery G.I. Bill, which I could use to pay for college once I’d served my four years, so I decided to join the military. I knew that this was far outside of anything I’d ever known, but I believed so strongly in my ability to create a stable life and loving community, that I made the commitment. Feeling way behind in life, but undeterred, I held my head high and entered bootcamp for the U.S. Navy at age 22. And by sheer coincidence, when I walked up the brow of the USS George Washington, (CVN 73) in Virginia Beach, VA on October 1, 1988, I was the first enlisted female on that aircraft carrier in history, among a crew of 4,500 male sailors.
MILITARY BELONGING AND TRAGEDY: The Navy provided me the straightforward rewards system I needed to excel, and for five years, I manned the flightdeck with the other “green shirts” to launch and recover aircraft off the catapults and supported sailors in their career. Despite the physically demanding 22-hour days at sea, I thrived in an environment where I didn’t have to dim my light, and I was respected and valued for my contributions. I cultivated a genuine rapport with my peers, helping me experience community for the first time as an adult. With much guidance and support from mentors and leaders who took me under their wings, within a few short years, I shot up in rank from E-3 to E-6, became Sailor of The Year on the entire East Coast, and was selected for the prestigious role of Naval Officer! However, unfortunately, there was a dark shadow side to my service years: I was sexually assaulted more than five times while on active duty by other service members. The betrayal of working alongside leaders and peers I should have been able to trust destroyed my sense of safety on the ship. And unaware of the body’s protective automatic freeze response, I mistakenly blamed myself for not fighting back, causing more deep shame. In one of the worst incidences, tragically, I was punished for my own sexual assault. Yet, paradoxically, it was there, in the depths of being held responsible for this assault, that I discovered a quiet, unshakable strength. I learned to hold my head high despite the circumstances, and this choice to stand in my dignity expanded my resilience and deepened my compassion for others, no matter their behavior. But although the situation helped create a deep unwavering resilience, I carried the feeling of shame for those events for twenty-two years, until Spirit began showing me in my dreams last year how to begin to heal. I processed the heartbreak with my therapist and through writing, and the resulting healing sparked a fierce clarity in me! In releasing the pain that once silenced me, I discovered my powerful voice, eventually transforming my life.
FOLLOWING MY HEART TO SCHOOL & BEYOND: During our second six-month deployment out to sea, I began to awaken to the reality of what we were doing on that flight deck…and then began to really be affected by the heartbreaking truth about the ethics of war. I eventually decided that, despite the security it offered, I could not serve anymore. After a very successful nine and a half years of active duty service, with emotional support from my ex-husband and young stepdaughter, I walked away from military security—an uncommon decision half way to retirement. But I left with gratitude for everything it had given me: training, education, and leadership experience—and followed my heart straight into college where I would take courses while teaching statistics to undergraduates. And two and a half years later, at age 33, I graduated magna cum laude with a master’s degree in research psychology—fulfilling a lifelong dream. Although it took me sixteen years to realize this goal…this achievement gave me a sense of belonging in academia, and helped me start to heal the deep shame and sadness of my family’s dysfunctional homelife. And I would use my degree to take me far in the civilian sector, where I spent the next decade leading high-performing teams in Fortune 250 companies, building innovative tools, and developing my own identity as a reliable leader, community builder, and trusted friend.
Can you talk to us a bit about the challenges and lessons you’ve learned along the way. Looking back would you say it’s been easy or smooth in retrospect?
DARKNESS & MY EMOTIONAL CRACKING OPEN: After 16 years of marriage and an enriching corporate career, my life shifted dramatically once again. In 2018, I took my stepdaughter to Africa to see the great migration of animals from Tanzania to Kenya. One night, alone underneath the Serengeti sky, I had an ineffable experience that felt like I had become one with the stars. The quote from Carl Jung’s Liber Primus in The Red Book captures this perfectly. Jung writes: “My soul, my soul, where are you? Do you hear me? I speak, I call you—are you there? I have returned, I am here again. I have shaken the dust of all the lands from my feet, and I have come to you. I am with you.” After that experience, my ex-husband and I amicably divorced, and I moved to Austin. But by 2018, at age 43, a lifetime of unhealed trauma from neglect and abuse in my formative years, poverty related stress and homelessness, and sexual assault began to catch up with me in a furious way—and finding myself in a toxic relationship and contending with pandemic isolation, didn’t help. Then, in 2019, I was unexpectedly laid off. Viewing this as an opportunity, I made some bold decisions with real estate and, after winning a claim with the U.S. Veteran Affairs Department for compensation for migraines caused by a service-related brain injury, I retired fully at age 45. I envisioned living a quiet life of community service, gardening, and dance. It never occurred to me that my life was about to make yet another “hard right turn”. In 2022, I cautiously turned to psychedelics as an attempt to feel safe in my body from the intense waves of panic attacks, anxiety, and depression that had begun overwhelming me like a series of tidal waves. But one night, a massive wave of shame and indescribable pain burst out of nowhere and flooded my body, swallowing me whole. I nearly ended my life in a panicked attempt to escape it. With the help of caring friends, family, and the amazing therapist I’d began seeing, I survived that evening and the weeks following. That complex PTSD experience shook me to my core, though, and rattled my self-confidence that I could survive the next one. Soon after, I put a suicide prevention plan together and ended the unsupportive relationship I was in. At the time, I realized that I was being given an opportunity to do something I’d never done before: ASK FOR HELP. And with the loving support and attunement of my sister-in-law, two best friends, and therapist, I bravely took off my oldest mask of “I’m okay”, and accepted their support. I was “officially on my healing journey”…which for me, means making a review of my life and processing all of the unprocessed emotions. This surrendering to a clearer, softer version of myself surprised even me, and I liked the way that the softness felt true and authentic, healing more of my shame. It was this super power, of being able to ask for help, that I was going to need to get through what was about to happen in the next chapter of my life. Looking back, as much raw fear and pain as I’d experienced between 2018 and 2022, I believe that life was shedding me of my “citizen responsibilities” of wife, caretaker, and wage earner—so that I would be able to place all of my focus on what was about to happen next—a powerful and forceful spiritual awakening and the start of three years of deep, deep healing.
MY SPIRITUAL CRACKING OPEN & BECOMING A VOICE HEARER In June 2022, during my trip to Costa Rica to drink ayahuasca, I began hearing a voice and experiencing profound mystical moments in both my dreams and waking states. In the weeks and months that followed, the mystical experiences continued. I trusted the voice that I was hearing because it would send me the most overwhelming feeling of love through my dreams—such a pure, unfiltered love that was so intense, I would wake up crying and unable to speak. This happened three times. I would say that this love was “redemptive” because it left me feeling whole in a way I’d never known. And that’s how I knew that whatever was communicating with me was true, and could be trusted. Grippingly, seven months into this, my path became painful and disorienting. I experienced what I now understand as “shamanic illness,” lasting a year and nine months. It was like breaking every bone in my body, not being able to get out of bed, but then having to learn to walk again. In addition to the physical crisis, I broke emotionally and psychologically. The worst of it though, was the existential crisis I experienced simultaneously. It was as if my whole world was turned upside down, I was a paraplegic in a body cast, my mind was constantly being stabbed by daggers, and my heart shattered…all at the same time. It was a deeply raw and disturbing time, which I reference in my YouTube video “Ayahuasca & Spiritual Awakenings – My Story.” Though I haven’t shared the most painful details of my story yet, I will eventually, as I know it can help others who feel alone in their experience of voice hearing. Interestingly, in the midst of this isolation and darkness, this journey was also awe-inspiring. What I was learning from Spirit, though extremely difficult at first, eventually would become life changing. But it would take me nearly two years to begin speaking openly about my experiences.
Thanks for sharing that. So, maybe next you can tell us a bit more about your work?
COMING OUT AS A MEDIUM & FINDING MY VOICE: Early on in my journey, another medium, whom I respect greatly for her professionalism, advised me to document everything—so I’ve recorded nearly every conversation, dream, and message for over two and a half years. I had to have many conversations with Spirit and do a lot of unlearning, before I could begin to integrate what was actually happening…especially since, when all this started, I was an atheist and philosophical materialist (laughs)! As I’ve integrated, I gradually embraced the identity of a spiritual medium—initially reluctantly, but with growing acceptance. Mediumship is quite fascinating. To think that the universe is intelligent—and awake—and can communicate with us…still blows my mind! I love sharing details about mediumship since people seem very interested in the idea of it. Spirit communicates with me regularly through “teaching dreams,” which focus on universal love, compassion, and where I am judging myself or others. I also connect with Spirit in deep meditation (theta brainwave state), receiving messages as spoken words (clairaudience) and through symbols, often times emojis (clairvoyance). Spirit also speaks to me during psychedelic work, which I do about six times a year. My relationship with Spirit has continually evolved. Initially, our dynamic was “harsh savior/helpless victim.” Over time, Spirit has encouraged me to take more responsibility for my life, and as I healed trauma, our relationship gradually shifted into more of a “grandparent/child” dynamic. One day, Spirit gently said, “You are still relating to me through fear. I. Am. Your. Equal.” Whoa! What a paradigm shift! (laughs) Today, our interactions are casual, like chatting with a confidante. In February 2024, I began speaking at conferences and gatherings in Austin sharing openly about my experiences—in an effort to heal from the illness, but also find others who were going through the same thing, and suffering in silence. And in April, 2024, I launched my YouTube channel (@Sunshine_Grace). Inspired by Rick Rubin’s The Creative Act, I view my YouTube work as pure art, and have completely fallen in love with the creative process. What started as simple videos has evolved into stunning short films. My channel has reached 23,000 subscribers in less than a year—a milestone I’m deeply grateful for, though it’s been an adjustment in its own right. I see my film work as both an honor to be witnessed, and a serious responsibility to remain humble and true to the story. In 2025, I am shifting my attention from my channel, to speaking at more conferences. I am excited that I will be presenting at the Tomorrow People Organization’s 10th Annual Conference on Spirituality and Psychology in Bangkok, Thailand, in March, and also hope to present at the International Hearing Voices Conference in Prague, Czech Republic, in October. In hindsight, I can confidently say that 2024 was the most transformative year of my life; I started off with the final months of the the shamanic illness, spent countless days integrating and healing trauma with my therapist, ended many relationships that weren’t right for me, and got clear on what love is…and more importantly, what love isn’t.
THE VALUE OF SHAMANIC ILLNESS TO SOCIETY It’s important to me to talk about spiritual awakenings in general, but shamanic illness in particular, because not every spiritual awakening is excruciating like shamanic illness, nor as misunderstood. Having endured a treacherous awakening myself, I deeply understand the maddening state of extreme isolation, fracturing confusion, and paranoid terror that it can bring on, shoving even the most grounded humans into a psychotic state. Not fully understanding the purpose of it when I was going through it, and living in a dualistic society that generally discounts a unity of consciousness perspective, being a Westerner intensified the heartbreak of my experience. So please let me share a little here, about what I’ve learned: More generally speaking, at their core, spiritual awakenings serve to expand consciousness and help a species move towards a non-dual perspective of reality. In Hinduism, this is known as “advaita (“not two”), in Bon as “primordial purity”, in Mahayana Buddhism as “sunyata” (“emptiness”), and in some shamanistic cultures, as “Seeing” or “Oneness”. From an individual perspective, if we didn’t have free will, we wouldn’t have the option to know true peace and happiness. It is only through our choices that we awaken. Shamanic illness, specifically though, is an ancient process initiated by the spiritual world that transmutes the individual, often unrelentingly and at breakneck speed. And as Spirit told me once, “It can last for months or even years.” Traditionally recognized in shamanic societies as a path that one cannot choose, it has several important purposes. It is in this context that, for tens of thousands of years, that shamanic illness has served to:
• First and foremost, begin to awaken the individual’s mind out of the dualistic “dream state”, and into a “waking state”, where one can connect with consciousness, a realization that implies the unity of all things;
• Secondly, to strip away, burn off, or loosen parts of the individual’s egoic structure that they’ve built up as armor and stored in their subconscious throughout their life to protect them. This is done through a series of tests (or “pruebas”) that bring awareness to these unconscious stories, beliefs, and identities—what Spirit calls “false narratives”. As these narratives begin to unravel, the huge amount of invested energy it requires to maintain them frees up, liberating the individual to begin to slowly feel safe in their body and in the present moment. And it is this presence of attention that is the entry point into the eternal, or in other words, “reality”. (It is important to understand hat not everyone who goes throughs shamanic illness will want to self-realize; this is again, a personal choice, and not the easiest path, but a powerful one.)
• Thirdly, the purpose of shamanic illness is to help the individual develop morally and ethically—what I call “blind spots”, and what may be known as “shadow work” in Jungian psychology, and “impurities” in some Buddhist traditions.
• Fourthly, because of the deep suffering that is inherent in shamanic illness, the individual eventually emerges as a more compassionate and sincere being.
• Lastly, individuals who go through a shamanic form of awakening (or other spiritual crisis) often surface with a strong desire to help others, igniting their soul’s purpose and placing them on a path of service.
In cultures that understand shamanic illness, it is seen as a blessing, preparing individuals as healers with gifts like mediumship, divination, or telepathy, to protect and serve their communities. (In yogic traditions, these are known as “siddhis”.) And if the individual is being taught properly (meaning “ethically developed”), they will be taught early on that their gifts are a responsibility to help others, not to serve oneself. But in societies that dismiss the spiritual realm altogether, shamanic illness is often misunderstood and diagnosed as schizophrenia, leaving individuals unsupported and vulnerable. Many take their own lives without the acknowledgment and compassion they need and deserve. Thankfully, there are psychotherapists in the West who work with voice hearers and others going through a spiritual crisis, through the lens of respecting their experiences as real and valid. And it’s important to say that not everyone who hears voices is going through a shamanic illness. My work focuses on honoring sensitive individuals and voice hearers with dignity, regardless of the cause of their voice hearing is trauma-based or spiritual based however—shifting the narrative from judgement and fear to openness and support. Furthermore, as we become more educated about the signs of spiritual awakenings and value its purpose in shaping the evolution of our species at an important time for our planet, we can offer support to those who hear voices and see the unseen, hoping that when they are out of this phase, they will be more compassionate and stronger than ever. Such was the case for myself.
A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON During my shamanic illness, I would read about shamanism to try to understand what was happening. I remember learning about the transformation that shamans go through described as the initiate being “stripped down to their bones, the bones cleaned by the spirits, and their bodies reassembled with new organs and skin.” For a long time, I kept waiting to have a dream about this, assuming that the dream would mark the transformation itself. But it turns out that I was misinterpreting how shamanic illness works: you don’t have a single dream about dying and rebirth…you actually go through a complete overhaul of your body, mind, spirit, and heart in real life. You live this transformation! I say this because it’s difficult to describe how much I have transformed in the last two and a half years. It really does feel like I’ve traded my old, grey, beat-up station wagon for a red Porche 911. My thoughts are different and much more clear and grounded, my body is so strong, my heart has healed so much, and my eyes are opening. Of course, we keep evolving until we die. But there is something to be said for the kind of transformation that I have gone through. Examples of this include: healing the heartache from the loss of my father; not having a single day of depression in two and a half years; becoming aware enough to have my existential dread be replaced by appreciation for the gift of living in a universe that exists in the first place; gaining immense gratitude and a huge sense of humor; having so much more compassion for others; and having a firm grasp on the impact of my choices to be sovereign, loving, and responsible. As Spirit says, “We choose all the way UP…and all the way down.” Spirit also says, “We have free will in where we choose to place our attention.” And because I’ve been placing my attention in on meditation, integration, somatics, and Internal Family Systems (IFS), I am so much more equipped to manage my nervous system, take good care of my body, and apply the practices I need to allow my ego structure to loosen gradually and gently. I’ve also come to appreciate the dynamic relationship between direct practices to awaken the mind, and progressive practices that heal the heart—and use both approaches together, seamlessly. Thankfully, with all this healing and awakening work, Spirit has a wonderfully playful sense of humor, and we joke around all the time. On that one, here is one joke for the non-dualist types out there: recently, Spirit and I were being silly as I was writing down our conversation. I said, “It’s pretty fun to (be able to channel and) bring humor to the world!” Spirit said, “Intelligent humor, if you don’t mind!”
FINAL NOTE TO THOSE SUFFERING: About a year ago, I began to see the Divine intelligence orchestrating my life in ways I could never come up with on my own. Becoming a medium and being able to connect to Spirit’s wisdom (which is the same as our own intuition!) has brought me love, connection, and real, practical solutions to suffering. When I was in the depths of that shamanic illness, unable to get out of bed to do simple tasks to care for my basic needs, and feeling desperately overwhelmed, Spirit said: “Would you like me to help you?” I sobbed, feeling defeated, and said, “Yes, please.” Spirit encouraged, “Instead of following your to do list, go from task to task, asking, ‘What is the most loving thing I can do for myself in this moment?’ and then do that. And then, when you finish that task, as yourself, ‘What is the most loving thing I can do for myself in this moment?’, and then…do that.” That simple guidance transformed me: it taught me that when life feels overwhelming, my choices make a difference. Applying Spirit’s insight taught me the powerful lesson that, instead of crumbling, I could trust the link between my actions and my well-being. To anyone suffering or hearing a voice, please remember: You know what you need to help yourself. If you encounter an obstacle, go around. Think positively. Follow your heart. And know that life can dramatically improve when you care for your body—sleep, diet, and exercise. One baby step at a time. You are stronger than you know! And, as Spirit told me early on…” You have all of the answers inside of you.” I am sending you SO. MUCH. LOVE.
Contact Info:
- Website: https://BettingOn.Love
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/betting_on_love/
- Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCd421HK0NNB4qVhSOiAoOAw
- Other: https://youtu.be/pZf6Z0uHuzs?si=xGLNvDIPiE_D4O4L
Image Credits
Camile Adriane Photography
